so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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