Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
