There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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