Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
