I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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