so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
