U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
