The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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