I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
