your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
