I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
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Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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