honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
