is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
