I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
