So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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