Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
