He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
