Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
splinters make it hard to masturbate
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
