HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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