i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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