I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
