y did u give ur computer a hand job?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
