Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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