I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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