Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
