Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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