I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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