I wish I only lived at night.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
