I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize