i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
