i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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