Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
