Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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