omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
