In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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