Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
