Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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