I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
