She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
