I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
