how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize