my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
