we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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