somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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