I'm lost and stupid without you.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
