i would punch a child for taco bell
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
