He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
