an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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