Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
