When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
