Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
