tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
