i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
