it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
