I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
