My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
