I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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