drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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