But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
